She…

I hold, nurture

a life in the

vessel, endure

all the pain

yet they call

me weak,

Has a man ever

been able

to do that?

I hold the ones

close to me

like the tassel

thread and when

someone sheds

a tear, I tear

apart too…

I am being gazed

at like the

stars , and when

i fight back,

my face is scarred

or my character

circambulates

around a question

mark ….

I lover gender free,

and my love

knows no boundaries

for it is deep

as the well…

Ah! Irony

I wonder is

a day enough to

celebrate my

existence ?

Shouldn’t every

day be a

woman’s day?

©Umi Aimen Kundangar

Halcyon

Like the green leaves

turning to yellow , old

age but whispers

and knocks …

And like the

roots of a tree , the

creases sneak and

spread but all over…

And the shadows

appear under the

eyes , like the clouds

on a dark winter evening…

And the hoary head,

yet remains but

a symbol of wisdom

And the limbs

creak like the

door hinges …

Ah! Irony

These silent

eyes don’t

speak much ,

but yet speak

volumes …

And creeping back

in a sphere

with that kind heart

waiting for to

be heard , the

eyes sleep

leaving but

a void in

the heart…

Behind The Shady Chinars …

There is this well known aphorism that time heals all wounds and in order to let the wound heal you need to stop touching it , well then I wonder Will Kashmir heal someday? for everyday the sky paints a picture of dejection and not even a cloud promises a silver lining and the air feels suffocating as if replete with smoke as almost every house has a story to narrate – a story of pain, longing and desperation – a desperation to see their loved ones one last time before they clothe them in that shroud .

The roads here are dipped in hues of red as if wine has been spilt over and every summer the lilies close their wings for they fear they may lose their beauty for every summer dawns with a raging fire and brings everything to a halt and everything gets entangled in concertina wires much like our thoughts, and where children still wait for their fathers to narrate them a bedtime story that can lull them to sleep and mothers here wake up in the middle of the night and start stroking their child for the strong gusty winds might come and uproot everything only to be lost in the haze and this land remains a place where the trees are stripped bare and the leaves are not sure of rebirth the next summer.

Although no one talks of healing this paradise, yet the roads and the trees know all of its weariness and not even a whiff of peace can be smelt in the air for people still reel under curfewed nights and tears still flow with water when a mother sits at the the banks of jhelum all alone , for she doesn’t visit shrines anymore as she doesn’t hope for a miracle now and birds too don’t sing their morning song and where every firecracker seems to be a gunshot and where fear shines on the foreheads of those little children when they hear the footsteps of the accoutred men and their jackboots which fail to recede and hence kashmir stands like a dilapidated building ready to crumble someday . So can we still believe that time heals all wounds and for that matter does it not remain a question unanswered?

Jealousy …

Shall I compare this heart

to the hot boiling water

which simmers down the burner?

Shall I compare this heart

a raging kiln ?

Shall I compare this heart

to the leaves which when

burnt provide

warmth from the

winter sun ?

Shall I compare this heart to

the flames of the volcano

which rage down the ground?

Shall I compare this heart to the

scorching heat of the summer ?

Shall I compare this heart

to the sizzling flames inside

the hearth?

Shall I compare this heart

to the wood which is made

hollow by the termites ?

The Enigma Of Life

Well, whenever we start to write anything don’t we start by defining it, but then how should one define something which at times braided like the long hair of a girl , and is difficult to untangle ,yet at times paints the ambience with the subtle colours of the moon hence giving a sense of tranquility ,yet at other times surprising us by changing its colours like a chameleon.

I think life is a jigsaw puzzle and you need to arrange the pieces and create a big picture out of it taking into consideration even the little nuances and the big ones .I think life is a pandora box waiting to unravel itself in the same way like a bird wants to come out of the cage , spread its wings and fly.

Moreover, I believe that we can’t wait for all the colossal things to happen and then celebrate for it’s the little things in life that matter a lot equally. It’s all about our attitude as to do we look at the glass as half empty or half full. I believe happiness is a personal choice as in are we going to crib and cry at life when things don’t go our way when we are deprived of money or all the ornamental things which gleam and promise us happiness but then when we reach near it, it vanishes like a mirage in the same way we hope to find some water in the desert on a bright sunny day .I think if we are going to have that attitude we are never going to be contended and end up losing even what we have and end up living it with a frown.

Lastly, I believe life is a bed of roses but wont it get tedious if there aren’t a bit of thorns too in the same way as a rainbow would lose its sheen without a little rain. Life is but a rollercoaster ride with its bumpy tracks and a track full of potholes leaving it on us for to decide every time we hit a bump are we going to scream and hide or are we going to enjoy and live life to the dregs despite the adversities?

To My Unruly Emotions…

According to science normally a heart has been made up of arteries and veins but I often wonder what has this heart of mine been made up of , for it gets hurt at the little things that are as insignificant as the speck as this heart of mine cannot control the plethora of emotions swirling inside of me be it on things that make me happy or the ones which make me sad and make rivers start dance through my eyes.

As I have come to contemplate on this I have come to realise that maybe I feel too deeply for people and then as human nature functions I start expecting the same in return but then when it does not turn out the same as expected I get hurt and moreover unfortunately me being an overthinker my mind starts to cast a net of dark shadows making it worse.

I always get up with the promise that I will be strong today and won’t let my emotions overpower me but then to my dismay it just doesn’t happen rather i feel trapped in a paroxysm of emotions and i find myself at square one. Although at times when these whirl of emotions make me crazy i think of walking over people and just not caring a bit about them like they don’t do when they make you sad by using some hurtful comments or doing something of the same nature but then i cant help it either because then i feel trapped into this mesh of guilt and regret which starts weaving around me like a cocoon and I start crying or can’t sleep over and start feeling bad over how I just did hurt his /her feelings and how he /she might be feeling.

To conclude, I can quote the very famous booker prize winner “Arundhati Roy” for she says “If I were to lose the ability to be emotional, if we were to lose the ability to be angry, to be outraged we would be robots and I refuse that”… Although I agree to it completely but then at the same time I also think like they say “Excess of everything is bad ,maybe being over sensitive and highly sentimental is bad too….

Your’s Sincerely …

A highly sensitive and an emotional soul …

A Letter to God …

I always get in a dilemma as to where shall i start with for i have countless things to thank you .Well i think i should start with thanking you for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me in terms of a beautiful home ,parents who have nourished me , good health with the best part being that you dont take them away even if i dont pay gratitude or transgress for you have ever been forgiving .

I have always found you by my side as you became my support system and i could crib , cry and pour my heart out above all without the fear of being judged when people who failed my expectations and trust came crumbling down , specially from the ones whom i trusted more than anything else . I want to thank you for being there for me in times of despair and for giving me hope when i couldn’t silence the voices in my head and all i could feel was emptiness and nothing felt good at all.

Thank you for calming the storms and all the anxious thoughts that would prop in my head which were uncontrollable at times. Lastly i want to thank you for your abundant mercy you have showered me by forgiving me for my sins be then mimiscule or gigantic and judging me on my repentance and not on my sins ,unlike people as they do it vice versa. Lastly thank you for healing my heart when it was broken beyond repair…

From your servant

Umi Aimen Kundangar

Expectations

Well, when you first think about the word ‘Expectations’, what comes to your mind or how do you define it ?

Maybe in layman’s definition it would be hoping a favour from somebody when you have helped them in any way and you expect them to help back or being there for you when you feel low and you think like they will boost and dissipate all the dark shadows. If we look at the sunny side to life you wont be dissapointed when it comes to the bond of a mother for she will stand by your side no matter how hard the situation gets or how badly you behave and she acts as the shade everytime in the scorching heat of life . As life has been teaching me over and over again i come to terms with the fact that one should hope and not expect when it comes to other people , i am not being judgemental but as far as my experiences are concerned they potray some things as clear as the mirror as nobody stands by you and you have to arrange the pieces yourself to the jigsaw puzzle called “Life” for they end up sprinkling the salt when sugar is needed for they bring you down in every possible way , shatter your confidence and make you feel low about yourself when they see you ascending in any way growing closer to your goal.

Its maybe they cant see you flourish or maybe they are hiding their insecurities so that somebody else may not raise a question about their own flaws which they tend to hide under their garb of being the so called “perfect ” but the fact remains that no one is perfect except the one who created them.

So to conclude , i would say when you expect , you brace yourselves for dissapointment. So now i think when you learn to accept instead of expecting, you will be less disaapointed and way too happy and contended.

As far as the question of healing is concerned you should start forgiving people and be kind in the same way as our lord forgives his servants ignoring all the sins and keeps his doors always open for repentance , and also when the sun comes to consciousness at dawn , it does not realize how dark and dreary the last night was , and just shines brighter than the previous day.

P.S : Well , this was my share of experience , your’s can differ for sure and you can have people who would be there for you and if that’s the case i can say you should consider yourself blessed .

A letter to Sleep…

And then when the sun goes to hide behind the mountains with the promise to come back again tomorrow and shine brighter than the previous day and make people’s hearts warm again and revive their lost hopes no doubt how much the hearts have lost their vitality because of the challenges life poses at them everyday, that’s when the sky starts to change its colours and drape the aura in hues of crimson red and peachy orange, signalling the birds to fly back to their nests, and the flowers to close their wings allowing the night to enter and peep through providing the stars a field to spread itself and the moon showering its trail of light and keeping its promise of driving people back home despite the sky being pitch dark.

And as the night sets in , it begins to take hold of the starry night, slowly beginning you to drowse making the eyelids heavy like the cool breeze of summer does , finally inducing you to a deep sleep , and transporting you into a wonderland of dreams and hence taking you to such places that you would have never been to in reality, and one sleeps at peace with a cozy blanket not aware of how loud are the crickets chirping or are there howling gales swirling outside or is the moon resting itself among the stars and whether it has shut its eyelids and gone into a deep sleep.

For me, sleep is the best meditation for it keeps me away from the stress and strain of life and helps me not to worry about what tommorrow will dish out for me in the platter. Lastly i must say it keeps your mind at peace and when its at peace joy comes rushing in like the gush of water flows freely not having an ounce of fear of the possibility of a flood.

A conversation with the mirror…

I cant hate you as you stand unprejudiced and show people their real self but then i cant help but loathe about the people who stand infront of you and try to search the meaning of beauty in you and try to make themselves beautiful by applying various types of cosmetics to look ‘fair and lovely’ as they find it ,or the ones who want to attain that slim figure and every now and then keep on checking that how many inches they have gained or lost.

I feel these people those hold these superficial standards of beauty are in a way hiding these imperfections behind these layers of greasepaint they keep on applying , and rather its the imperfections in us that make us beautiful equally , as for me dark shades, freckles ,pimples or any other scars dont make you less beautiful and they are a part of a person and should embrace it wholeheartedly and never for a moment feel inferior and adhere to the society’s definition of beauty and believe everyone is beautiful despite their skin colour and that the real beauty is the beauty of the heart for looks fade and beauty lies but skin deep…

Do the trees that shed their leaves in the autumn by any means make the winter’s aura barren and lifeless ? Well if I would be asked the answer to this would be no, as they are so many beautiful things to witness like watching the snowy flakes , jump in the puddles that rain creates, trying to break in the icicles that hang on the rooftops. I believe that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and the most liberating thing about beauty is to realize that you are the beholder…